not an easy week

This time of year is not my favorite.  I have been having anxiety a lot this past week.  Tomorrow is the 9th anniversary of my dad's death.  Each year around this time my body has an odd physiological response to the beginning of June and Father's Day.  Weather I'm thinking about my dad or not, my body seems to remind me through anxiety what week it is.  It's quite odd.  It happens when graduations start happening, when the weather changes, when the Jacaranda trees bloom, and especially as Father's Day approaches.

I hate this time of year.  I don't like being reminded of one of the hardest times in my life.  I wish I could really enjoy June, it's a great month after all.... but unfortunately each year I just seem to float through it.

It's been nearly 9 years since my father passed away very suddenly.   You can read about it here if you want.  In some ways it's easier, in some ways it's harder.  I miss him a lot.  I think it's terribly unfair that he didn't get to walk me down the isle, that he had to be taken from us so young, and that my kids never got to know him or meet him, and visa versa.  Yet I am grateful for the awesome years I got to be his daughter.  He was a great man and lived through example.

Tomorrow my mom is going to take the day off work and we're going to spend it together (along with my kids of course).  I'm going to try to talk a lot about my feelings and hope that by doing that, I'll feel better.

Nine years ago today I spent my last time with my dad.
Matt graduated from college,
we celebrated Father's Day....
went for a walk as a family.
It was a great last memory that I will cling to forever.


I miss you daddy...
I always will.


Hopefully I'll be back next week with happier pictures and stories to share :)



Photobucket

Comments

Mom H said…
Our dear, dear Jess, I'm so sorry it's been a bad time for you this week, try to think of the fun times you had with your dad, those memories will carry you through. Also remember you still have a father who loves you, he's just waiting for you in heaven. My dad's there to, as well as our Heavenly Father, praying He will give you peace and joy during the wait. Love you!
Nikki said…
Praying for you!!!!!!
Stacy said…
Jessica... I am so sorry this time of year is hard for you. I also lost my dad.. 21 years ago on June 11 when I was just 19.. I also was not walked down the isle nor had him able to know my kiddos. It is really tough at times and yet we have the peace that this was Gods timing for them and that He continually comforts us when we need it... praying for you.
Crystal said…
Hot tears. I hope your time with your mom is good tomorrow. She is such the perfect person to talk to about your feelings....anger, sadness, etc. I will honestly pray for your time together tomorrow.

A few years ago, I was at a memorial service for an eight year old girl and the pastor said something so profound. In response to the father's question, "Tell me that this is not okay?" The pastor said, "This isn't okay. This is not okay. Nothing will fill the void of not having Sydney in your life. And you will always walk with a limp this side of heaven." It was so comforting. Even though the pain may become less acute, grief and sudden loss carries a sting that may lessen over time, but it can't just be prayed away. You loss your daddy and no one will ever fill that void this side of heaven.

I love you. xo
Jolene Grace said…
Oh Jessica Anne. I love you so. I pray for you, your mom and your brother as you "walk with the limp" as Crystal so eloquently put it. My dear sister, my heart mourns the loss of your dad with you. {HUGS}
krista said…
I am so sorry this is a hard time of year. But so understandably. I don't know why the Lord chose to take your daddy away from Earth so soon and I am sorry that you have that void. Take comfort in the arms of Jesus and everyone here that loves you so much. I will be praying for your day with your Mom today. My heart hurts for you and I am praying for peace deep in your heart today. <3
Rhonda said…
I'm praying for you and your family this week, Jess. It's been 33 years since my dad died, and that week in December is still a little wierd for all of us. I fully understand your loss and struggle and will continue to pray for you.
Kelly said…
Oh I do hope your day with your mom is uplifting. I simply can't imagine all the feelings/emotions you must to through each June. I just prayed that the kids would extra good, allowing you to talk more to your mom and enjoy your time together.
Jerrod said…
I love you Sis! It was a rough week but we got through it :) Thanks again for stopping by the tattoo studio on Saturday afternoon :) Dad will always be with us :) Hope you have a great week!
Christy said…
I was thinking about you yesterday friend.
Holly said…
I am so sorry for your loss and the tough time you face each year- your story is so inspirational and I am moved by your advice- Amen :)

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